Grammar: Unnecessary comma in a compound predicate after 'temptation.' He had succumbed to the monster's temptation, and been corrupted. Grammar: Unnecessary comma in a compound predicate after 'drops.' Reply Delete The tears that had collected in her lower eyelids formed drops, and rolled down her cheeks. Grammar: Unnecessary comma in a compound predicate after 'Koyoi.' The pale purple currents of mana extended from the monster's hand to the wall in front of Koyoi, and thence spread to the entire cemetery. Wording: Not the right preposition to use in this context. Grammar: Unnecessary comma in a compound predicate after 'chin.' She brought a hand up under her chin, and crossed her legs. Grammar: Unnecessary comma in a compound predicate after 'sword.' Doon lowered his sword, and took a step forward. So saying, her drew a small paper from his pocket. Grammar: Unnecessary comma in a compound object after 'mentor.' As far as she was concerned, he was a great mentor, and the savior of her life. Grammar: Unnecessary comma in a compound object after 'land.' able to adjust to life in an unfamiliar, foreign land, and that she'd had no trouble with her food rations. Grammar: Unnecessary comma in a compound predicate after 'time.' He had been in charge of training new recruits at the time, and had soon warmed to Koyoi. Grammar: Missing a comma after the introductory phrase 'After that.' After that they went to their own room and reviewed the characters necessary Grammar: Missing a comma after the introductory phrase 'After lunch.' After lunch they practiced monster slaying chants. "Yes sir!" Came the high-pitched reply. 'If she had to say one way or the other, the district she was in was probably home to poorer residents' Currently, it has an unnecessary comma after 'was' and there is an abundance of commas further in.Į.g. Grammar: The whole sentence could be reworked. The district she was in was, if she had to say one way or the other, probably home to poorer residents, but the roads, while bumpy, were in good repair. Grammar: Unnecessary comma in a compound predicate after 'faithful.' This land received many contributions from the faithful, and was thus amply supplied with capital. Grammar: Unnecessary comma in a compound predicate after 'as well.' Mercenaries like Koyoi had been evenly distributed to each gate as well, and were to attack in concert under the direction of regular troops. Grammar: Unnecessary comma in a compound predicate after 'presence.' In any case, most monsters felt fear just being in her presence, and ran away. Missing: succeeding to (the) headship of the clan. received the same expectations of succeeding to headship of the clan Grammar: Missing a comma after the introductory phrase 'In her hands.' Consider adding a comma. In her hands she held several slips of paper. At the very least the author is willing to acknowledge Koyoi's sudden entry into Elt's harem.Īnyways, I did a quick read through the whole draft for proofreading before you convert it into an e-book: One thing to note was Elt's remark about being "the right guy" for Koyoi. I've given my thoughts on the story in the previous update, so I feel no need repeat myself. Thanks for your hard work in completing the translation, Sky.
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